In the middle of one of the most important events of my life, someone so dear to me is leaving. He is leaving tomorrow at 5 am. Before the dark sky gives way to the light. Before the sun takes me to a new dimension. This is the reason why I am playing The Bitch again. I'm consistently ignoring and annoying him just to hide what I really feel. I know I couldn't do anything to make him stay and I'm not planning to make him stay either. That would be stupid. Although I know that he's coming back again after a year or two [hey, he's been doing this for more than ten years already], I still cannot get used to the emotions every time he leaves. Actually, it's the thought that I have to get used to the pain of watching him come and go that hurts more. It's the fact that I have to go on like this for as long as I have to that swells great. It's the thought that these things are so beyond my control that breaks my heart even more.

I've always been thrilled by the idea of change. But deep inside this ambivalence also kills me. The truth is, if I can fight the same change that thrills me tooth and nail, I will. And the same thrill that the change brought about by parting ways causes me the same heartaches and nightmares.

I guess I’ve just been so traumatized living a life of desertion. When I was a kid, I remember my mom leaving me during Mondays in my grandma’s house. She would leave me there and fetch me up again when Friday comes. We had to go on living with that kind of routine because of the financial circumstances that we were in. My parents didn’t have enough money then to send me to school everyday and since my school was just a few steps away from my grandma’s house, they had no better option but to let me live there for 5 days. I could still see myself crying every time my mom would leave me there at the gate of my grandma’s house. The scene had always been like that. I would hug my mom and cry my heart and brains out until my eyes swell. The same thing goes every Friday when she comes to fetch me up again. I would cry as well, but this time it’s because I don’t want to leave my grandma’s house anymore. I become so used with my aunts, cousin and grandma that even the thought of me leaving them drives me f****** sad. I always missed my mom during Mondays and missed my aunts, cousin and grandma during Fridays. I tell you, the feeling was really hell. Absolutely torturing. I had to cope up with that kind of set-up for years.

On the other hand, during Christmas Eve, when my parents, sibs and I would spend the occasion at my grandma’s house, I would never dare to sleep. I wouldn’t even try to close my eyes although I was already so tired and sleepy because I was afraid that they might leave me there and never come back. I had always been afraid of being left behind. I always had this feeling that anytime they could just leave me there without buts and whys.

I couldn't also forget those times when those other people that I've loved left me; my former bestfriend/s [all of my bestfriends left me], my could-have-been- Mr. Right, that bunch of lovable angels, my ex-living diary and all those people that I've loved so dearly. Most of them didn't actually have any idea on how I treasured them. I bet, they probably wouldn't even imagine the damage they had caused me, that is, if ever they realized that they caused me any damage.

But of course I do not blame them. I do not blame my parents. I never blamed them because looking back, it’s really clear that what they did was actually the only good option that they had. I know they also didn’t want things to turn out that way but they had no other choice. It must be equally [or more] painful to them especially my mom. Neither do I blame those other people that I've mentioned. Perhaps, we just had to move apart in order for us to grow.

But now every time I face moments like this, every time I’m in the verge of being left behind, I cannot help but to entertain these kinds of thoughts. I’ve always wanted the people I love to stay with me and no matter how silly it may become at times, I always try hard [I really do] to make them stay. I’m not afraid of being alone. I don’t feel sad in my solitude. What I am afraid is that people will leave me even though it’s obvious that I did everything to make them stay; even though it's obvious that they cannot even give me just one good reason for them to leave. I've always believed in the idea that everything is possible - even forever. I always had this notion that I could embrace time and define it in my own words. I always had faith that I can hold on to anything for as long as I want to; as long as the essence and the feelings are there. I always thought that I could make all of my relationships last...

But I don't know. I just don't know. I can't help but to feel this way. Sometimes I wonder why things have to turn out so painful or why do I have to be this feeling. Perhaps, if I am not this sentimental and emotional, perhaps I would not be bleeding like this. Perhaps, I wouldn't have to deal with this feeling of torture over and over again.

I'm afraid this is going to be a long and stressful night.

anyway

Mary Jane, Leni, Maan, Sean, Albert, Emma and Steen [the characters in my screenplay] would be sleeping with me tonight. I've actually been burning their stories in my head lately and I am starting to see them pop out from the page. I can hear them. I can feel them. They even travel with me on my way to school everyday.

I could even imagine the last sequence where Mary Jane's eyes reflect the fires of hell while her tears fall down effortlessly. It may sound weird I know, but it actually made me cry. As in crrryyyy. Real tears.

Oh, how I loooove writing. =)

final segway

This guy downstairs [age: 40 something] really sings well. Damn, his voice is so hothothot! I haven't actually heard someone sing this good. Well wala lang, thank you naman sa kanya for making my night a little worth remembering despite all these painful thoughts.